The last time I made an entry in this blog was in January 2, 2017. 3 years ago. A lot has changed. I have become a completely different person in just a span of 3 years, nothing drastic! But I just did a little growing up.
1) Life... Death...
I reconciled, rekindled, and lost a friend in that span of 3 years. You may have remembered a few entries ago in 2016 when I wrote a a goodbye letter to friend who started to drift away... It was heartbreaking, having a friendship slowly wither away... a friendship I held so dear. Then in 2017, life did what it does best, it brought us back together. We somehow found our way back into each others lives, we caught up on all the things that we had missed out on in the last year that we didn't speak. I missed her tremendously, every time we talked on the phone we made sure to say our "I love yous" before we hung up... Because we didn't want each other to forget. Then in 2018, again... Life did exactly what life does... Life... Or death more like, took her away from me. Permanently this time. She succumbed to her illness, sickle cell disease... For a long time I kept asking "why"... Why would life give her back to me, only to take her right back again. I kept crying because I was never going to see her again, I was never going to hear her infectious laugh, or see her beautiful bright smile... But most of all I wasn't going to see her slowly follow her dreams and achieve them one by one. I was so angry at myself for letting our pesky fight get in the way of our friendship, why couldn't I have just sucked it up and said I was sorry right then! If only I knew what I knew now, I would have made different choices. But, I didn't know... and I still don't know what the future holds. Instead, I look at it this way. Maybe life knew exactly what it was doing. Maybe, life meant for us to drift away the first time to teach me a lesson, that sometimes life want to be nice and give us a second chance. A do over... Life gave me a second chance to be with her again for 1 whole year... A lesson to cherish every moment that is given to you, even if it's 50 years, 10 years, 1 year, or just 1 month! A lesson to be thankful for the people you have in your life right now, because life is not guaranteed... Now, I am thankful. Thankful for life for giving me chance to show her how much I loved her.
2) Heartbreak.
I said goodbye to a 5 year relationship in that span of 3 years. A relationship I cherished with all my heart, a relationship I fought for with all my being, and a relationship I will forever think of with a happy heart. The relationship lasted 5 years, but it should have ended 2 years earlier. In the last 2 years of our relationship, we fought so hard for our relationship that we fought each other. We started to see each other as the enemy, "why isn't he fighting for this relationship like I am?" or "Why is she always critiquing everything I do?" The relationship stopped being fun, it became a task. It seemed like every time we would be together, the goal was to not fight. "No matter what you do, just smile and laugh." We were miserable! We didn't want to admit it at that time, we wanted to make each other happy because we thought staying together would be the best decision. We didn't want to give up on our relationship, especially since we'd been together for 5 years! WE'VE WORKED TOO DAMN HARD TO JUST STOP ALL OF THIS NOW!.... So I thought... Then I realized, "why would I stay in a relationship that was beginning to turn toxic?" Who am I staying for? Am I staying for myself or for other people? You might be asking, "well why would you stay for other people?" hahaha well that is because we have this thing about impressing other people, whether we like to admit it or not. We want to prove to people that we are that couple, we are one of the lucky ones who makes it out alive!!! But it should never be like that, when you're making a decision about your life, only think about how it will affect you, not other people. I had to take everyone out of the equation and looked at myself and him. Then I saw it, we both needed so much growing up to do. He was unhappy with how his life was going and so was I. We were both so unhappy with the way our individual life was going, that we started to bring it into our relationship. So, I had to be the brave one - I pulled the plug. It was the hardest thing I had to do, to let go of this person who had become a huge part of my life for the last 5 years. All of a sudden, I had to plan a different life... A life that didn't include him, because right now, at this moment, he isn't part of my life anymore. It has been 1 year since we broke up and I still miss him. I still love him. Just in a different way, in a way that no one else will ever understand. He holds a special place in my heart, and that spot has his name on it, no one can erase it. It's there permanently. It's his.
3) Beginnings.
I said hello to many things in that span of 3 years. It seems like I have only experienced heartbreak and loss in the last 3 years, but trust me it gave me beautiful memories too. I may have lost a friend, but I gained a new one. A new friend but my goodness, it feels like I have known her forever. She knows who she is, I tell her how lucky I am to have her in my life almost everyday... Hi!... She has taught me so much in just 1 year of knowing each other, she has changed my outlook in life. To find beauty in midst of chaos. Saying goodbye to my 5 year relationship gave me the chance to say hello to a new relationship... The most important relationship in my life, a relationship with myself. In just one year, I learned so much about myself, things I never knew I was capable of doing! And It felt amazing. I wouldn't change it for the world. I started to focus on the things that made me happy and made me feel like I had purpose.
I am so excited for what life has in store for me, I cannot wait to experience new things with the people I have in my life now and for all the people I have yet to meet.
No comments:
Post a Comment