Show Me A Way Out

As I type this entry my legs are shaking uncontrollably and my hands are having difficulty finding the keys to punch... because my anxiety is present. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder just this past December 2020, but it had always been present in my life from a very young age. 

I knew since I was a kid that there was something different about me just by the way I processed information and my environment. No, not in the child genius type of way // but in a more worry wart type of way. I'll give you guys some examples.

• Age 5 years old when I was starting kindergarten, I was anxious about starting school because it meant I would be away from my mom. That is what you call separation anxiety. She brought me to school like any normal parent and all the kids played together. Except me, I held her hand for dear life on the verge of crying my heart out. Then she left... and I cried the whole day in school sitting in front of the classroom waiting for her. It got so bad that I had to stop going to school and wait till the next school year because she thought I just wasn't ready. She assumed wrong. The next year, it was even worse. I would run after her when she started to leave and begged her to stay, the principal let her stay for month. She was known around the school as "that girls mom who sits outside the classroom"... I was convinced that if my mom left me at school, she'd never come back.
• As early as I could remember I used to sleep in the same bed as my mom (very common for Filipinos) and I remember always holding onto the hem of her shirt because... AGAIN... I was convinced that when I open my eyes in the morning, she'd be gone.
• When I was 7 years old my family went on a vacation at the beach, my dad was home from the US for a month. While at the beach he decided to go for a swim, as I saw him go into the ocean alarm bells started going off in my head. I somehow convinced myself that he was going to drown and die... I threw a fit and begged everyone in my family to get him out of the water because he was going to die! They tried everything to calm me down but nothing helped, eventually they got my dad's attention to come back to shore. He picked me up and consoled me, telling me that everything was going to be fine.
• I hated being sick, other kids loved being sick because it meant they could stay home. Not little Mitzee, I hated being sick because I would convince myself that I was terminally ill. 

I don't remember a time when I wasn't worrying. I can't watch a video of people enjoying things without thinking in the back of my head about all the horrible things that could happen to them. Frankly, that's the reason why I am so terrified to do so many things. 

I suffer with depression and also have an eating disorder. Well I'm recovering from my eating disorder, but if we're being honest here, I've been "recovering" for YEARS! My eating disorder is still something that I deal with but try to fight off. So as you can see, mental disorder is not new to me.

You might be wondering why I was only diagnosed with anxiety disorder in December 2020 even though I knew I had been suffering from it. Well, you see, anxiety. hahaha. I was scared to add another fucking disorder on my already growing list of disorders. Because aside from my mental disorders I also have PCOS or for a longer term, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. That's a different story time, you can google it if you'd like to know more. 

Before I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, I didn't handle anxiety well. I would worry for days and weeks, where I couldn't go to sleep and that "problem" was the only thing to occupy my fragile little mind. 

But this past December 2020 (it's only fitting that it happened in 2020 amiright?) I went through something very traumatic (for me at least) and it triggered my anxiety like never before. My heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn't focus, my hands were clammy, I was in a daze, and I was consumed by negative thoughts. I was having anxiety attacks right after the other. That's when I decided to see a doctor, and what do you know, he diagnosed me with Anxiety Disorder and put me on medication. 

I won't get into detail about what triggered my anxiety attacks because I can't even talk about it without having an anxiety attack. But it got so bad that my whole family knew about it and I would be crying every night due to my attacks, had to sleep with my mom because that was the only place where I felt safe. I had to quit my job to focus on my mental health... Everything changed when I was diagnosed, I had to come up with a routine and keep my mind busy.

After a month, I started feeling better. Little by little I started getting used to my new routine and my new set up. After awhile I didn't wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares, sleeping became better. So I decided to go back to my room and start fresh. 

Then February hit and I was tired of anxiety ruling my life, I decided that I wanted to rule my own life and not let anxiety rule me... So I faced the one thing that I feared and knew that it might trigger my anxiety but I said what the heck... I felt good about it at that time, even the next day. But then it crept up on me like a pesky little insect... Anxiety was back... and I was back in my mom's room because the nightmares were back again. I didn't feel safe and I didn't feel okay.

I was back to the drawing board, I have to relearn everything all over again. It's like a fucking labyrinth, there's just no way out of this thing, or when I do find it, it doesn't last very long and I'm back in the starting line again. I need someone to show me a way out.

I'm sorry, this isn't one of those blogpost that has a happy ending in the end... Not yet at least, I'm still navigating my way through this disorder. I have hope that there will be better days ahead, not just better days but better months and years. 

Everyday is a day to get better and that I know is true. So to anyone in my life who is reading this, be patient with me. please. 

-Mitzee

Someone Different... But Still The Same

The last time I made an entry in this blog was in January 2, 2017. 3 years ago. A lot has changed. I have become a completely different person in just a span of 3 years, nothing drastic! But I just did a little growing up.

1) Life... Death...
 I reconciled, rekindled, and lost a friend in that span of 3 years. You may have remembered a few entries ago in 2016 when I wrote a a goodbye letter to friend who started to drift away... It was heartbreaking, having a friendship slowly wither away... a friendship I held so dear. Then in 2017, life did what it does best, it brought us back together. We somehow found our way back into each others lives, we caught up on all the things that we had missed out on in the last year that we didn't speak. I missed her tremendously, every time we talked on the phone we made sure to say our "I love yous" before we hung up... Because we didn't want each other to forget. Then in 2018, again... Life did exactly what life does... Life... Or death more like, took her away from me. Permanently this time. She succumbed to her illness, sickle cell disease... For a long time I kept asking "why"... Why would life give her back to me, only to take her right back again. I kept crying because I was never going to see her again, I was never going to hear her infectious laugh, or see her beautiful bright smile... But most of all I wasn't going to see her slowly follow her dreams and achieve them one by one. I was so angry at myself for letting our pesky fight get in the way of our friendship, why couldn't I have just sucked it up and said I was sorry right then! If only I knew what I knew now, I would have made different choices. But, I didn't know... and I still don't know what the future holds. Instead, I look at it this way. Maybe life knew exactly what it was doing. Maybe, life meant for us to drift away the first time to teach me a lesson, that sometimes life want to be nice and give us a second chance. A do over... Life gave me a second chance to be with her again for 1 whole year... A lesson to cherish every moment that is given to you, even if it's 50 years, 10 years, 1 year, or just 1 month! A lesson to be thankful for the people you have in your life right now, because life is not guaranteed... Now, I am thankful. Thankful for life for giving me chance to show her how much I loved her.

2) Heartbreak.
I said goodbye to a 5 year relationship in that span of 3 years. A relationship I cherished with all my heart, a relationship I fought for with all my being, and a relationship I will forever think of with a happy heart. The relationship lasted 5 years, but it should have ended 2 years earlier. In the last 2 years of our relationship, we fought so hard for our relationship that we fought each other. We started to see each other as the enemy, "why isn't he fighting for this relationship like I am?" or "Why is she always critiquing everything I do?" The relationship stopped being fun, it became a task. It seemed like every time we would be together, the goal was to not fight. "No matter what you do, just smile and laugh." We were miserable! We didn't want to admit it at that time, we wanted to make each other happy because we thought staying together would be the best decision. We didn't want to give up on our relationship, especially since we'd been together for 5 years! WE'VE WORKED TOO DAMN HARD TO JUST STOP ALL OF THIS NOW!.... So I thought... Then I realized, "why would I stay in a relationship that was beginning to turn toxic?" Who am I staying for? Am I staying for myself or for other people? You might be asking, "well why would you stay for other people?" hahaha well that is because we have this thing about impressing other people, whether we like to admit it or not. We want to prove to people that we are that couple, we are one of the lucky ones who makes it out alive!!! But it should never be like that, when you're making a decision about your life, only think about how it will affect you, not other people. I had to take everyone out of the equation and looked at myself and him. Then I saw it, we both needed so much growing up to do. He was unhappy with how his life was going and so was I. We were both so unhappy with the way our individual life was going, that we started to bring it into our relationship. So, I had to be the brave one - I pulled the plug. It was the hardest thing I had to do, to let go of this person who had become a huge part of my life for the last 5 years. All of a sudden, I had to plan a different life... A life that didn't include him, because right now, at this moment, he isn't part of my life anymore. It has been 1 year since we broke up and I still miss him. I still love him. Just in a different way, in a way that no one else will ever understand. He holds a special place in my heart, and that spot has his name on it, no one can erase it. It's there permanently. It's his.

3) Beginnings.
I said hello to many things in that span of 3 years. It seems like I have only experienced heartbreak and loss in the last 3 years, but trust me it gave me beautiful memories too. I may have lost a friend, but I gained a new one. A new friend but my goodness, it feels like I have known her forever. She knows who she is, I tell her how lucky I am to have her in my life almost everyday... Hi!... She has taught me so much in just 1 year of knowing each other, she has changed my outlook in life. To find beauty in midst of chaos. Saying goodbye to my 5 year relationship gave me the chance to say hello to a new relationship... The most important relationship in my life, a relationship with myself. In just  one year, I learned so much about myself, things I never knew I was capable of doing! And It felt amazing. I wouldn't change it for the world. I started to focus on the things that made me happy and made me feel like I had purpose.

I am so excited for what life has in store for me, I cannot wait to experience new things with the people I have in my life now and for all the people I have yet to meet.

Three Things I Realized in 2016

It's a new year and its a great time to look back on the things that happened in 2016 that made me realize some sh*t! 

I feel like every year there are situations or people that will make you understand and realize why things are the way they are.

1

Don't let yourself down too much...

This is a hard lesson that I never quite understood, people always say, "don't be too hard on yourself... It's not good" and I never really understood why they said that, I guess for me it's a way to not put my hopes up and just expect the worst. A great example of this is  when I decided to change colleges and transfer to a big university *my dream university actually* and for the 5 months that I waited for the letter to come to the mail, I always told people that I was sure I wouldn't get in because I don't have what it takes to get in. Little did I know that after 5 months of waiting, I would be opening an acceptance letter. That was when I realized that I could do it, I was able to get in to my dream school and I wasn't so much of a "loser" to not be able to get in. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, don't put yourself down just because you're unsure of what the outcome will be...

2

Sometimes people drift away...

This is quite sad, in 2016 one of my best friends drifted apart from me. It was truly hard breaking because she and I were super close, we literally made each other cry laughing by just looking at one another.  Sometimes you have no control on what people want and what they think will be best for them, and all you can do is hope that that they get to where they want to go.

3

It's good to try new things...

I was always the type of person to not want to try new things because I'm scared of what I would look or what it would do to me. I mean I still kind of am but there has been little things that I have absolutely tried in 2016. For example, I died my hair a dirty blonde!!! BLONDE!!! I've had black hair since I was born and I was always so afraid to try a different color because I was sooo scared that i'd look ugly, then I realized eehh so what I can always dye it back. I know that is like 0 in the adventurous scale  but for me its a 8.5!

What about you guys what have you guys realized in 2016?

Holiday

If you know me personally, you'd know that Christmas time is my favorite time of the year... Yes, Christmas has passed but it's still the holidays. Well, one of the things I love about Christmas is the fact that it brings family together. There's nothing I love more than spending time with my family, especially my cousins who I grew up with, we were practically like siblings growing up because we were all so close to age. Since we're all in our early 20s and mid 20s, we don't get to spend time with each other as often as before due to school, work, and or the fact that we live miles and miles apart now... 

Every time all of us are in the same city or state we make sure that we have our bonding time.

Of course it isn't always the best, we have times where we don't wanna be in the same room as them. But it's great

What I Eat In a Day

It's been awhile since I had a really well thought of post and so I decided to show you guys a little glimpse in my everyday life by what I normally eat. I've absolutely been loving "What I Eat In a Day" videos on YouTube and so I decided why not do a post of me going along with the new trend.

I actually tend to cook my own food most of the time because I don't eat pork and a lot of the times my family will cook something with pork in it, so I usually stay away. But when the food is free of pork, i'll usually eat whatever it is. 

Breakfast

I always wake up earlier than I have to (6:30 am) because I'm a morning person, and this works well for me because I have time to make breakfast and lounge around for a bit, also I can take my sweet time before I have to head out for school.

For breakfast I made pancakes topped with homemade strawberry&blueberry syrup and banana, quick note I made the berry syrup myself :) This wass soooo good, and I made the pancakes super thin *yyyuuuum*

 Lunch

Usually I will still be in school during lunch time but today I only had one class and so I had time to go home and make my own lunch. For lunch I made a Southwestern Chopped Chicken Salad. I was pretty happy with how this turned out, it was very easy to make. The only thing you had to cook was the chicken.

Ingredients

Chicken Breast

Chopped tomatoes

Cheddar Cheese

Tortilla Chips (I used doritos because I didn't have any tortilla)

Black beans

Sour Cream

Corn

Taco Mix (I made it myself because I was too lazy to go to the store)

Avocado

Sooo sorry I forgot to take a picture of it when everything was mixed together, maybe next time.

Dinner

Since my breakfast and lunch was pretty big, I wasn't really hungry by dinner time. I just went for a slice of wheat bread and the egg sandwich spread that my mom made the nigh before. I love egg sandwich, I can honestly eat like 3 slices of these. 

Snack

I'll usually have a snack when I'm still a little hungry and or when I'm waiting for the food to cook and on this day I made beans. Its soo good and healthy.

Stressed and Failing

Helllooo lovely people, it has been a loong time since I have done a blogpost and I'm blaming school for it. I have been super busy with trying to put my grades up and sadly I don't think I am succeeding... I really don't have to make this post but I just wanted to let my readers know where I've been..

This is actually my last week for lectures and next week is all for final exams... So this week is pretty much hell week with studying, writing essays, and sooo much stressing.

This semester has definitely been the craziest semester in the 2 and a half year I've been in college, I have cried sooo much during this semester, like you guys have no idea how I've been wanting this semester to end. It has become sooo bad that I have no ounce of Christmas spirit in me.... I am currently taking 4 classes and 2 of which I am failing, I'm not very happy about that because I do not want to graduate any later than I already have to... I am trying my hardest to pass all 4 of my class but I don't know what else to do...

:( 

I didn't want to bore you guys with my current situation because I know there's more serious things out there but for right now, where I am in life, It's the most important and serious thing...

Anyways, I can't wait till this semester is over so I can finally feel Christmasy!!!